“Please pray for me, pray with everything in you”
I sent that to a close friend last Monday at exactly 9pm because for some overwhelming reason, I felt locked in on every side and I was struggling with suicidal thoughts in a way that I haven’t done in years. I felt like a mess and I felt everything on the inside of me caving in as I struggled to breath. Somewhere in my head, I was aware that it was an attack and the part of me that knew better knew that greater is he that is in me than this this madness that the devil was trying to pull and yet, I struggled. I knew I should pray but I couldn’t and this frustration led to more tears. I was falling apart and I didn’t know how to make it stop.
This was exactly 6 days to my hearts on Fire program. How am I supposed to gather all these beautiful ladies together when I can’t even get a grip on myself? Am I not supposed to know better? Why am I letting this thing wreck me like this? Just a word and it would leave but I said so many words and it didn’t go, it wasn’t going so I broke down.
Fast forward 6 days later to the main day and I woke up gasping for air. The devil was trying to remind me of how the past week had been a rollercoaster and my mind was assailed with doubts and what ifs born from fear.
But you see this Jesus? WOW!
On that morning, I reminded myself of how many times in this past week, amidst the rollercoasters, how Jesus had come through. Of how he had sent confirmation upon confirmation urging me to go on. I thought on the words he had said to me and how that Monday night, when I struggled so desperately, he comforted me to sleep with beautiful whispers of affirmations even when I didn’t have the words to say. (He’s actually that amazing) I thought about how somehow, in his big, beautiful mind he saw all that I was, all that I am and still thought me worthy, he still believed I could and that was all the strength I needed.
I share this to encourage you (I almost never really do posts like this) and not just because of how beautifully the event turned out. Lol. One of the very many things I learnt this weekend is that it’s never really about me. Never was, never would be. It’s all about this gorgeous, beautiful God who thinks me worth dying for and all he intends to do THROUGH me. So I don’t know what’s happening with you, I won’t even pretend to understand all the reasons why you don’t feel worthy. All I know is if he’s said it, he will do it because he keeps his promises. I’m not always perfect. I almost never always make the right decisions but trusting him has been my best move yet and I’m never ever going to stop because with him, I can dare to believe that I can move mountains.
So that thing that’s been in your heart for so long, just do it✔️ Do it afraid, do it shaking, but do it trusting. Just put your hands in his and let him lead. Do it!