For someone who loves to talk, I didn’t always like the sound of my own voice. I didn’t think myself beautiful enough to hold a crowd nor my words eloquent enough to keep hearts listening. For reasons too many to count, I always fell short in my mind. I was never enough.
I cannot appropriately pin point when this insecurity started but I always didn’t feel quite adequate enough which is funny because nearly all my life, I have always been placed on ridiculous pedestals. I started wearing glasses and that was shell enough for me because I never really liked my eyes. They were like tiny slits in my face and I always wondered why my head was so round.
I remember the first day I wore my contact lenses and being afraid to go out because everybody would finally see my real face but growth is a funny thing; it does not come in leaps and bounds like we often expect it to but in tiny droplets that it’s almost insignificant at the time of its appearance.
But grow I did, I was finally able to go out without my glasses but only on days when I wanted to wear full on make up. I started to take pictures but only kept them to myself or shared with select friends but too afraid to share with the world. Opened a blog but rarely put word out for people to actually read it. I joined Sunday school but only as long as I wasn’t addressing the whole church. First time I had to round up in front of the church and I cried till morning.
Growth happens in bits and it’s almost insignificant till one morning you wake up and you realize they everything has changed.
Now, I take way too many pictures and post them with reckless abandon. I walk out with my contacts even on a bare face and I’m more confident about sharing my thoughts and opinions to the world. I am willing to let my voice be heard but even at that, I’m not quite there yet and in all sincerity, I don’t know if there is a point where you will really feel like you’re there because there would be times when your new found confidence would fail you. There would be times when your words won’t feel profound enough nor your thoughts good enough. There would be days when you wouldn’t feel in any way beautiful and spaces where you feel less and everything in you just wants to crawl into a shell.
But on days like this, please remember that your worth is not in your feeling but in your being. It is not about how you feel but who you are. So who are you?
Chant it to the wells of your unbelief till your heart sees and believes it.
You are precious. An atmosphere. A sky sweltering with life and underneath all that smallness and low air smile, you are moving the earth. You are Gold and even though gold fails to recognize its value, it’s still gold, still useful even though it’s dug up from under the earth.
Insecurity will cripple you. You, my darling were made to soar. So let go of the doubts and fear and spread your wings. The world needs you. Be you, unapologetically without fear or restraint💛
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, if you don’t see beauty, then maybe you need to change your mirror💛