What do you do when your prayer point becomes a thorn in your side? What do you when what you thought God said yes to makes you question ever hearing him right in the first place. When you realize you’ve given your all to the wrong cause or maybe the right one (At this point, you’re not really sure) What do you do when you’ve cried up all the tears in your reserve and prayed all you can and done all you can? What do you do when your heart feels like it’s bursting at the seams so much so that your chest starts to ache? How do you breathe? How do you move? What’s next? What do you do when you don’t know what to do?
I sit and stare at the wall for hours, how did I even get here? How am I this person?😩 I sigh and adjust a little, to what ends are these baseless questions? Do they even matter? At this point, I can’t see a way out. Out of what even? I’m going round in circles because I’m finding it difficult to put how I feel into proper words. How do I explain my predicament to you now? “Never internalize things, they’ll be the death of you” My friend always used to say. Well she was right. I might not know how to explain the state where I am but at least I know how I got here😭 One internalized hurt after the other and now, voila – accumulated damage.
See, depression is a very funny thing. You’re in a cage of your own making with tight bars and you see the keys right in front of you but you don’t even want to get out because somehow, staying locked up in your cage seems like a lesser evil to facing whatever might be outside. It’s denial of some sort. You don’t really want to face the pain that you’re feeling so you curl inside and submit yourself to a numbness that strips you of all feeling. No, depression is not a funny thing, it is a dangerous thing.
Your heart feeling like it’s wilting within your chest. What does it mean to have a broken heart?
Does it mean that your heart is shattered into a million pieces so much so that it constricts your lungs from breathing?
Does it mean that you’re hurting so much that you can’t stop yourself from crying?
Does it mean that the source of blood that flowed through your veins has ceased to beat and therefore your insides are dry and empty….
In the real sense of it, when your heart breaks, or if it does, doesn’t that mean that you die? Like doesn’t it mean that you just cease to exist. Cos without a heart beat, there’s literally no pulse!
But maybe there’s another angle,
Maybe your heart doesn’t actually stop beating.
Maybe it just hurts so much that you wish it would stop.
Maybe your chest literally aches from the hurt that you’re carrying, the heaving from all that crying and the constant reminder of all that you’ve lost.
I jolt out of my reverie as I realize that the loud banging sound is coming from my door.
“Seyi, open naw”
Shoot. It’s Vanessa. We were supposed to go to church together. I clean my eyes, wipe my face and apply a little powder erasing all evidence of the ache in my heart.
Forcing a smile, I open the door wide
I tuck my feelings in my pocket as I make my way through the door, this was the me everyone knew. The me they needed, no one had to see my wounds.
A lot of the time, we go through things that we cannot even begin to express. Things that we feel ashamed even talking about and so we try to “chest” it. We form “hard guy” and try to act like it’s nothing, we hide it and cry in the secret and comfort of our beds but the thing is, it isn’t about being strong despite weaknesses. And it isn’t about being strong after weaknesses are gone. It is about being strong in and through and because of weaknesses. The current version of you is the right version of you for this moment. To you who has built so many walls around your heart, here’s what Abba is saying today “Your heart is my paradise, I love to dwell there and set camp there, I don’t want it too cold or too warm. I cause balance. These walls, let them down. I see you, the real you, the you that you don’t want anyone to see and I love that you. Flaws, hurt and all. Let me heal your wounds, slowly, gradually, let me be your completion. Your safe place that you can be vulnerable. I don’t want you pretending to smile, I want to take away what it is that’s causing the hurt so that all you want to do is smile. I want to make you ridiculously happy, I like to call it joy. Ridiculous because even when it doesn’t make sense, there’s a bubble on the inside. You are not weak because of your tears, you are not stupid or dumb or foolish. The warmth in your heart is evident of how precious you are. It’s okay to fall apart in my arms. Let down these walls, take away the mask. Be real with me, I bring you healing”