Bare #6 – Thoughts

“You’re just trash to be honest”

I stare at him in disgust as I try to swallow the bile in my throat. How could one person be so mean? In that moment, memories of all that he had done over the past weeks flooded my mind and I lunged at him, raging in full force. He must be mad to think that I would just take the nonsense that he was throwing at me like in other times. Like how hard is it to actually say sorry? Arrant nonsense. I was having none of that today. Enough was enough. Instantly, my mind was filled with a thousand and one ways to kill him and how happy that would make me. Sola had always been my trigger, he took me to places in my soul (both good and bad) that I never knew existed. He is the only person who gets me angry to blood boiling, hair tearing, body shaking point. One small word from his vile lips and I’m triggered. You would think that my common sense would tell me to stay far away but no, not me. I always came back and let him get beneath my skin. Now when i say this, i don’t want you to get the impression that Sola is a horrible person. No, its quite the opposite actually. He’s sweet and nice and most of the time, he gets me which is probably why he gets to me in the way that he does. They say that its the ones who you love the most who have the ability to hurt you the most. They’re absolutely right. Sola had wrecked me to a point where i couldn’t recognise myself anymore. Now he stands here calling me unnecessary names. He must be mad.

In my lunge towards him, I pick the knife from the center table and stab him in the throat. That should shut him up for the rest of his life. Of all the many ways I imagined killing him, this promised to be the most satisfying. I would sit there and watch him choke on his blood. He deserved to die. I thought about killing myself the day before but no, it was better this way. At least now, that he was dead, he couldn’t hurt me anymore. I sat back in the chair, relieved. Now it was time to watch him bleed. A part of me wanted to take the knife and carve out those his  eyes, but that was too much stress. I would sit and watch him die. Stretching out my legs, I bend my neck both ways to remove the kink that was forming there. What was that ugly feeling feeling in the pit of my stomach? Was that regret? This was supposed to be satisfying. I imagined it countless times, the relief i would feel, the peace. But there was none of that. my tummy started to turn in ugly directions. I needed to puke. This was a mistake. What was i thinking? Why did i do it? My mind immediately starts to think of all the other ways i could have worked it out. Why did i do this? I hear the police siren in the distance and immediately, it dawns on me. I JUST KILLED MY BEST FRIEND. I commited murder. As i slump to the floor in tears, i ask myself just one question “Was it worth it?”

“Aisha, say something. You’re shaking”

I snap out of it and realise that i had been lost in my imaginations. My hands were shaking. Sola stood there in my front, his face twisted in a fearful frown. HE WAS ALIVE! I wanted to just hug him. All the anger that i felt in the past minute instantly evaporated. It didn’t matter now. I sneaked a glance at the center table, the knife was still there. I look at Sola and once again, i think of all the ways that i wanted to kill him. I turn around and walk away ignoring his shouts and rants at the background. I’m sorry but he’s not worth it

****************************

To you who is battling with unforgiveness, holding on to anger, bitterness, jealousy. Maybe you’re desperate and having desperate thoughts of making rash decisions, It’s not worth it. Breathe, relax, reasses and see that you are worth much more. Let it go

2 thoughts on “Bare #6 – Thoughts

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