Bare #5 – Unwanted

“I’m pregnant”

I must have blinked 10 times in the same minute because I immediately felt dizzy. My increased heart rate and weak knees gave off the fact that I was hyperventilating. I stared into Sarah’s face and watched her excitement dwindle. I was killing her spirit and that butchered me inside.

How do I explain to her my fear of failure as a father or as a parent, period. How do I let her know that my parents dumping me in a sewage (widely known as suck away where I come from), is not okay. It never was, it still isn’t, it never would be okay. It’s not beans to admit that each day I wake up struggling with the thought that I wasn’t wanted. They didn’t want me so much that they left me in the dirtiest place to die. Each night, I stay up wondering what would have happened had the rats eaten my flesh and cockroach and maggots infested on my baby intestines. Who would have heard my story? Would I even have had a name?

How do I tell the love of my life that thoughts like this and more keep me up at night turning and tossing, how do I tell her all of it without her seeing the damage that still sometimes, course through my insides. I’m pretty much messed up. For as long as I could remember, I’ve always been this way. I remember the day I found the file at the orphanage

“Jane Doe – Abandoned at a sewer. Given name – Jeremiah”

I died on the inside.

There are times when I’ll sit and think of what my mother must be like. Did she even love my father? I doubt that. Seeing how she readily threw me away, he was most likely someone she despised. He probably raped her. (That’s the only way any of this makes sense) I’m sure he did, so she hated me too because I was a disgusting reminder of all that had happened and then she threw me away like the trash that I was.

Problem is, I’m not trash.

How do you deal with feeling rejected knowing quite frankly that you were but aren’t? Confusing right? Your reality and your mentality. It’s easy to get lost in the sauce and getting them mixed up.

“Jerry. You don’t seem happy”

Sarah is pouting at this point – that cute thing she somehow does and thinks it’s a frown. My heart warms a little. I’m ruining the moment. I look into her eyes, my wife, the love of my life and all my doubts fade like sand at the sea shore. In her eyes, I see just how much she adores me, I see myself in her eyes and I know, my fears are baseless. I’m not rejected. I am loved beyond reason and just like that, the riot in my heart ceases and my blood stops boiling, my hands stop shaking, I ease into the moment. Replacing my fear is a strong determination. I am not my damage, I don’t have to be, I will be better to my child and make sure that she (I really hope it’s a she) never knows what its like to be rejected. I will be good, I will be better and I believed it. For now.

What is it about you that comes to your mind that makes you cringe? If you were to change one thing about yourself, what would it be? If you had the opportunity to erase a happening from your life, what would you erase? Which of them haunts you most? For some, it’s hard to even voice our thoughts because frankly, who would understand? How do you deal with that feeling of being unwanted, rejected, not enough, unworthy, how do you get through those days that are sometimes harder than most, when the fear of what is to come cripples you because of what has been. Today’s post is for you, let your reality not formulate your mentality. It should be the other way around.

You are wanted. You are valued. You matter. You mean the world to me, literally. Look into my eyes and see that you’re worth dying forđź’•”

Abba

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