Each time that I would miss you so desperately that it would feel like my airways were caving and restricting the supply of air to my lungs, each time I reminisced on the times we spent and all we shared, each time, I would open our last chat and read how you rubbed me on the ground with your words, I would read it and feel bile rise to my throat as my eyes take in the harshness in your every statement – So mean, so vile.
And Each time, that worked. I would remember how much you had hurt me and how you were most likely to do it again, no matter how many times you said sorry and if my heart didn’t believe it, I would scroll up to the last time you apologized and the time before then and the other time prior to that and in between, the evidences would lie scattered masked in hurtful words and soul wrenching accusations. You would do it again. That I was sure of. Just thinking of it alone would make me so angry that I would want to tear my hair out and scream in frustration. But I never did any of those things. I always ended up crying my heart out and being hurt all over again, the pain raw in my chest like it was the first time. Scratch that, worse than the first time. You know how it hurts when you hit an already sprained ankle against the bed? Yeah, sort of like that. I would cry and hate you and be angry at you and most importantly, I would remember all the reasons why we could never be together – why we could never work regardless of how much we tried😭
You were my kryptonite but we all know what kryptonite does. You did not just set my heart ablaze, you’re not a torch, you couldn’t keep it burning and so you burnt it to the ground. I don’t blame you though. I’m probably a lot worse for you than you are for me. It’s okay, I’ve come to terms with that. But have you? Let me not digress. Where was I? Yes, it worked. In that moment, my hurt would override my sentiment and I would be reminded why I shouldn’t text you, or call. It would not end well. So each time the temptation came knocking, I did my ritual and it always worked.
So why is it that even now when I’ve gone through our chats three times the usual and I’ve reminded myself over and over why what I was thinking of doing was a disaster, why is it that I still find my hands trembling, my heart beating in rapid successions. I still miss you silly. It wasn’t working. Why is it that now that I’m falling apart and can’t get a grip of myself, you’re the first one who comes to my mind. Why do I need you so desperately? What is this? But even with all of my common sense and against my better judgment, I pick up my phone. Just once, I tell myself, but I knew better. Picking up my phone, I dial your number.
“Hey Tobi, it’s me”
I could almost hear life laughing at me because in almost sudden succession, a strong wind blew my window shut and I heard the thunder sound. (Probably a warning from heaven)
Each time, my method worked. And each time, it failed eventually. I knew.
I was back to square one.
******* ******** ****************
The thing I have come to learn about addictions is this. You are only bound for as long as you say so. It is only as powerful as the attention that you give to it. It’s like quicksand, the more you struggle, the deeper you sink. Like an ex that you just keep falling back to, until you find something new. Someone better that changes the game and makes you forget you were ever struggling in the first place. To you who is struggling with an addiction, here’s a message from Abba.
“I love you. You and only you. It hurts my heart to see you struggle with chains that I have long since unlocked. You do not have the power in and of yourself to release yourself. Know that you are free, know that I have broken the cycle. Come to me. See my heart burn for you. Let me take you on a journey that would take your mind to places you never thought possible. Let me love away your addiction. Fall in love with me, helplessly, recklessly and watch these things fade away. You are light, for light shines in darkness and darkness comprehends it not. Let me fill you up completely, irrevocably. I see you, see your heart. I understand your desires and know your needs. No, I do not judge you. I know you can’t talk to anybody about this but you can talk to me. You are fighting a won battle. I am on your side. Always and forever❤️”
Photo credit: Tommy Maverick